Happy 4th Birthday Little Boy A!!!

Here it is again, one of my boys another year older.  We are going to have a big family breakfast today because I have to work tonight and we are going to have a birthday party in the park  Saturday with nothing but non allergic foods.  I can’t wait.

Dear Little Boy A,

I can’t believe how this year flew by.  You are 4 and what a year you have had.  You have become one of the coolest kids I have ever met.  You like to read and be engaged with activities.  You like to swim, run, ride your bike, and play with kids.  You had a great year in preschool and you really charmed the teachers and the kids in your class.  You make friends everywhere you go and are usually easy going and happy.

You are my gardener. This spring you could not wait to plant seeds, you would ask me daily even when it was still cold out if it were time to plant yet.  When I got seeds for the flower pots on the deck you were right with me even though all the kids on the block were on our driveway. You were overjoyed when we planted veggies in the side yard.  We had some very cool alone time this past winter when Wildman was in school.  You relished in getting to pick what you wanted to play with and not having to share. I could set you up with a snack and the toys of your choice and you could be busy for over an hour at times.  You love to also help me with chores loving to be a helper and a big boy.  You especially love to carry the trash to the garage.  Please don’t loose that love.

I finally got you to wean in December.  It is something you still talk about daily and I am really quite over it.  It is ok to grow up and move on.  You moved to your own bed this winter and once we got rid of the jail like crib you gladly moved to the gigantic big boy bed never looking back.  You moved out of our bed so fast that your Dad still misses you.  I am still amazed that I got you into your own bed after over 3.5 years of co-sleeping.

This year you will go to  pre- k and I think you will do great.  You are so good at school and the tasks they require of you.  I am not too worried about you in school yet I never want to neglect you as the easy kid when living with the challenges of your brother’s ADHD. You and your brother still call each other best friend brother but you guys fight some too.  His behavior upsets you at times.  Just know Little Boy A that he loves you and sometimes his love hurts.  He is rough but will quickly have a hug for you.

Now can we talk about your temper? WOW you have really developed a temper.  When you are mad and I try to talk to you about anything that you have done wrong you usually turn your back and really freak out.
I hope I can help you with that temper. It will not be good for you to get so mad.  Things are never as bad as they seem in the moment and a cool head can help in almost every situation.

Last night after swimming all day and missing your nap I told you that your eyes were red.  You replied that they were green not red as you melted into your bed and fell asleep. Tonight your brother was telling you that you were a monster and you repeatedly complained, but no I am a kid.  You recently stopped referring to yourself as a baby which is good.  You are a kid and proud of it.

You are still very allergic to dairy, eggs, peanuts, pork, and beef.  Whenever anyone has to cancel a play date or plans with you because they are sick you are convinced they ate peanuts and got sick.  I don’t have the heart to tell you that most people can eat peanuts and not be sick.  You are also getting very savvy about your allergies, what you are allergic to and how it makes you feel.  You told me that when you get dairy on mistake it burns.  This year at a birthday party they had a pinata.  When the candy fell you were meticulous about picking out select pieces.  You brought it over to be checked and you had only picked candy you could have.  Then you crawled into my lap and proceeded to enjoy it.  I was so proud of how responsible you are for yourself.

Lately you tell me that your two favorite things are volcano’s and worms.  You are one of my favorite things.

Enjoy being 4 my littlest boy.  You are special and I am so proud to be your Mom

I love you,

Mom

Reinvention Time

I have been taking this summer as time to suck in every last ounce of mothering.  We have been having a great time swimming,  playgrounds, parties, and just playing.  I have the looming feeling of impending doom though.  It is time for me to get more meaningful employment.

The last few years have been some of the most difficult yet fulfilling of my life.  The day I quit my day job to be am almost full time stay at home Mom was like a rebirth of sorts.  I was so miserable working full time and I missed my kids so much.  I know Wildman was having such issues with the daycare and I had a young baby that was throwing up daily.  Little did I know then this would morph into adhd for one and food allergies for the other.  Becoming a parent for me was something I felt I had been waiting a lifetime for.  I was 37 when I became a Mom for the first time.  It was something I felt confident about.  I have had two things in my life I felt passion about besides my husband.  One was my band.  I worked so hard to get that little punk band from Philly on the road and recording.  The other thing has been my kids.  I like doing things with them, going to museums, doing crafts at home, swimming, even food shopping.  I have a bond with them that my husband does not.  We have a way of being together the three of us.  It is not always fun and easy but it is a different dynamic than the one the four of us have.

This fall Wildman will be in full time Kindergarten and Little Boy A in full time Pre-K.  I am feeling so scared and heartbroken.  No more lunches on the deck till mid October just because we want to, no waking up in the AM and as my husband leaves discussing what to do with our day, no more staying up late because we feel like it, no more daily naps (which remarkably both are still happily taking at 5 1/2 and 4).  We have such a comfortable happy rhythm to our life.

I feel like Kindergarten is popping me out of the Motherhood bubble.  I am not sure all of us are ready for me to return to work full time but I would like to be around in the evenings more.  I have decided a part time job might be cool.  I would love to work from 9am – 2pm, Monday through Thursday.  This way I can keep my huge money night at the bar on Thursdays yet be home for the kids all but one night a week.  I feel this will be a good compromise. I won’t have to use after school care and we will have time together in the afternoons.  My husbands job is so inflexible and he works many late hours.  We have decided together one of us has to have the flexible job, so that is me.

There is alot of good that can come out of this part time day job.  More income is key.  My Monday bartending shift has been less than stellar money wise and almost any part time day job will make me more than I make Monday nights.  Only having to stay up late one night a week will be nice too and Fridays off to myself will be so cool.  So I guess I am torn.

Anyone need help from someone with a BS in Kinesiology, who has 5 years of legal IT experience, music industry experience, and can make a mean drink? If so let me know because Mama is on a job hunt.

I am the parent of “those” kids

Remember when you were a teenager and you babysat? It never failed that one of the other teenagers you knew or heard about had a story about babysitting where it went horribly wrong and no matter what the parent paid it was not enough. I am the parent of the kids were the babysitting went horribly wrong.

My lovely friend Sarah and her husband Pete were turning 40 and 50 this year and decided to have a joint birthday party.  My husband and I both wanted to attend but were really in the mood to not have to play zone defense chasing after the kids. So I got the bright idea to find a teenage babysitter. I knew her Mom from the neighborhood so I figured it would be great.

We left and had an amazing time at the party.  I am always awed about how my husband and I go back to holding hands and touching each other when the kids are not around.   It is nice. The party was full of chatting friendly people having wonderful intelligent conversation.  We could of been there till midnight.

Eventually we had to go back to our reality.  Oh boy.  These boys were horrible.  I came in the poor teenage girl had eyes as round as saucers.  I quickly had my husband walk her home.  Then I started looking around.  I started finding the hidden pink paint.  It was on the rug in the bedroom.  A puddle of it under the sink.  One of the chairs in the dining room had a puddle on it (thank you oh inventor of microsuede).  I told her to do a craft with them and I put the painting table cloth out.

I don’t realize it but I know about 3 minutes before the above scene is about to happen and I quickly put the paint away.  Is it super Mom powers or the experience of having my ADHD wonderchild that has my house rarely covered in paint?

I doubt this girl will be back to babysit and I am here tonight mourning the fact I don’t have normal kids. I have two extremely active boys and the ring leader has  ADHD so no act is ever thought through.  What Wildman thinks they collectively act on. It is so isolating and maddening but it is my life and I hope this is a memory I can look back and laugh at eventually.

Anyone know any tough babysitters who possibly had a job as a drill sergeant in their past?

Holy Binge Drinking Batman!

This past weekend my neighborhood was part of the biggest bike race in the USA. I have lived in my neighborhood for almost six years but I have only attended the event twice, once being this weekend.  In past years I have had babies that needed an AM nap, been very pregnant, gone away, or just have not gone.  Last time I went was two years ago so I figured that it was time to try again. We have a great place to see the race three blocks away.  There is a small playground for the kids to play in while the racers are on other parts of the course but you can see the race as it passed.  Helicopter sounds alerted the fans that the bicyclists were on their way.  It was amazing, the bicyclists were traveling at speeds of over 50 mph on the downhill where we watched.

This is where the story goes downhill for me.  By the barricades where we wanted to watch the race,  some typical college types had a table set up.  On that table was an extreme amount of alcohol.  I am not afraid of alcohol, heck I work in the alcohol business, but wow that was enough alcohol to keep my bar drunk for a week.  At one point Little Boy A thought shots of vodka were water and grabbed one and I pulled it out of his hand just in time.  I watched the kids feed people beer straight out of the keg and play crazy drinking games.  It was like watching extreme partying off some sad MTV special.  I was appalled.  I am not just some 40 something Mom watching this.  I went to college.  I am an old punk rocker who works in a bar but I have never seen consumption like this.  I hope those kids don’t kill themselves with alcohol.  I really hope this fad passes before my kids are old enough to participate because as a solicitor of alcohol I was afraid.

Had a silly post planned….

I had a silly post planned and I then read the news.  Dr. George Tiller, a late term abortion provider, was gunned down at church.  AT CHURCH.  That is so disgusting I have a hard time thinking about it.

My friend Cecily, had to have this procedure to save her life.  She developed preeclamsia much too early in a much waited for, much wanted twin pregnancy, that she had IVF to achieve. When Cecily got to a certain point in her pregnancy I started getting so excited for her.  Her road to motherhood had been a long one and as her friend I was so glad that finally she was getting her dream. After the routine 21 week ultrasound they found  one of the twins had died and a visit to the regular OB found that her life was in the balance because she had developed preclamsia. The doctors tried to stop the preclamsia but could not.   She was too sick to deliver the other baby vaginally or by c-section and the baby had no chance of surviving birth this early.  This procedure saved her life.  It was and is a hard road for Cecily.  She mourns her twins everyday of her life but she is here for her husband, her daughter, her friends, and for the world via her rockstar like blog.

Hearing Dr. Tiller had died made me want to hug her closer.  Without Dr’s like George Tiller or Dr. M, who performed her procedure and is an OB that we shared, she might be dead today.  Rest in Peace Dr Tiller.  I am sure your family will miss you for the rest of their lives.  Thanks for fighting the good fight.  Rest in peace.

Disappearing Act

It’s true.  I have been just hiding out, just being, not feeling or thinking anything dramatic, and coasting along.  It is one of my favorite holiday weekends being the “unofficial start of summer”.  We will honor the holiday and will attend the parade my section of the city holds.  We will try to explain to the boys the real meaning of the holiday but then again we have been having way too much fun this weekend.  Both mornings I have let my husband sleep in and I have taken my kids on long breathtaking hikes that start four houses down through the Wissahickon.  Today Wildman decided we should do a long hike from our house to the Valley Green Inn so that we can feed the ducks that hang out there. We planned to have my husband meet us at the end because I was sure I could not get the kids to walk all the way back since the walk was almost 5 miles one way.  They did great.  Joggers and walkers stopped us amazed that kids as young as Little BoyA had walked so far.  I had to basically hold their hands and drag them the last mile and a half but for being almost 4 and 5 1/2 they did amazing. We saw about 30 chipmunks and a few frogs.  I am amazed that I live near such beauty in a major city.  We have already visited the much too cold outdoor pool, and right now my husband is off with the kids flying their rainbow kite.  Tomorrow besides the parade we don’t have much planned but it’s all good.  We have been having yummy  bar b ques on the deck and long afternoon naps. The perfect holiday weekend in my book.

This past week Wildman graduated from preschool.  What an amazing feat for him.  It is so bittersweet having a school aged kid.  I am going to miss him like hell having him in school all day but it will allow me to find a part time day job and hopefully cut down on so much night work.  I will miss this time.  I quit my job when Wildman was almost 2 1/2 and Little Boy A was 6 months old.  I missed them completely with all my soul everyday when I worked full-time.  I didn’t feel like a real parent till I had time to spend with them.  When they went to daycare I saw them awake less than 2 hours a day.  It was quite an adjustment at first but it has been amazing.  I love spending time with them.  We have explored the world together trying to find some adventure daily.  The adjustment to all day school will be hard on me but I hope it is easy on Wildman.  I will miss the endless freedom of our weeks punctuated by my work nights.  I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to see the world through their eyes and rediscovered the amazement of things we take for granted like construction equipment or a frog.

So off I go to having the “don’t worry be happy attitude” and enjoying my summertime fun. I hope you all do too.

ADHD Support List Day

1.  I hate that the biggest support group for ADHD, CHADD is heavily funded by drug companies. Great.  If you are hesitant in medicating your child where do you go?

2.  DAN! Dr’s. believe Autism, ADHD, and Food Allergies are cause by Mercury poisoning.  They perscribe special diets and supplements for detoxing your kid.  Not sure I can afford this.

3.  Message boards.  HA! It is a mess of the medicators pontificating how meds changed their kids life and the few non medicators talking about diets and supplements.  UGH

4.  Has anyone else on the planet used sensory integration techniques (a sensory diet), behavior mod, and social therapy to help their kid with ADHD.  If it is not supposed to work, how come Wildman is doing so well?

5.  Why is the early intervention teacher trying to get my son’s preschool teacher to pressure me about starting my  5 year old on meds even though he is doing well with his academics and is starting to read.

6.  Will I survive Kindergarten? Will he??

7.  If we do try meds eventually which I really don’t want to do, a new study indicated that after 2 years they don’t work anyway.

8.  It is safe to say ADHD is kicking my ass, and it is not even my kids behavior that is killing me. It is the lack of sensible information about alternatives to  medications that don’t drain your pocket or ask you to invoke God to help your kid.

9.  I love this article.  It is exactly how I feel.

Notes from the Front Line of the Mommy Wars

Saturday was a warm glorious day.  I had to work Saturday night and I wanted to get the boys out and enjoy the day.  When we got to the park there were very few kids around.  My boys romped, ran, and waited for their friend S to arrive.  Not long after I arrived another Mom with two kids came up.  Her daughter was obviously very shy, sucking her thumb and sitting on a bench.  Her Mom was encouraging her to swing and Wildman was encouraging her as well.  She came out of her shell a bit and the two swang for a while.  Then our friend S arrived.  His Dad dropped him off and his Mom was going to join us in an hour or so.  The boys were playing nicely although they were excluding Little Boy A some.   The park was filling up but the boys were listening well and staying near the play area with a promise of an adventure through the rest of the park when S’s Mom arrived.

Wildman walks over to the shy girl who had been swinging for about 30 minutes and asked her if she was going to be done soon because he wanted to swing with his friend S because there are only two swings.  She does not reply nor does her Mom.  Wildman then goes off to play something else. About 15 minutes later he asks the girl again if she was going to get off soon because he wanted to swing with his friend.  When she didn’t reply Wildman got too close and tried to stop her swing, I was right there getting involved and telling him that his behavior was innapropriate.  With that the Mom snatches shy girl off the swing.  The little girl is near tears and the Mom had some nasty words for me.  I replied I am sorry I am here and trying to teach my son not to do what he did.  He has been waiting patiently but has ADHD and sometimes acts impulsively. The shy girls Mom walks off in a huff and angry.  I burst into tears.  I cried and cried behind my sunglasses.  I cried for the ignorance of a woman who let her child swing for 45 minutes at a park where kids were obviously waiting for the swing,  a world where Wildman will always have struggles and will be judged,  for feeling so alone with trying to parent an unmedicated ADHD kid while most others medicate their kids.  I was also angry. We had just encouraged her little girl to come out of her shell yet in a short time Wildman had become the enemy for getting a little aggressive.  Eventually my friend arrived with another friend J.  The three of us took our five boys on an adventure walk through the park and they were very supportive.

On Sunday I took the boys to the woods on the Wissahickon.  There are amazing man made mountain biking jumps and ramps in the woods. My boys like to run and jump on the course since they are too little to bike it.  In the park there are lots of bleachers and things to climb.  When Wildman was three we used to go over there and jump off stuff all the time.  We then found parkour videos on You Tube.  It was good for his self esteem to be so good at jumping and running and for it to have a name.  We still go over to this little used park to parkour, bang big sticks on trees, and run wild.  Banging on tree’s at a park with small children nearby can be dangerous but it is so much fun in the wide open quiet woods.  It was nice to let my boys be wild away from the judging stare of the other Mom’s where we could have a few less rules for a while.  Sure my boys can get aggressive banging the ancient trees in the woods with a stick but they are sure sweet when they kiss the saplings urging them to get big and strong.

These Mommy wars are sure wearing me down.   Ladies be kind to each other out there.

He’s the coolest!

My husband and I both do more tag team parenting than most people.  He works days, I work nights, and he works late till between 8 – 10 pm at least twice a week.  On the weekends we try to balance family time as well as time to ourselves.   My time to myself hasn’t happened in a while.  I have been getting sweet moneymaking weekend shifts at work on top of the days I already have.  This tends to throw our balance off but puts extra money in our pockets so it is hard to turn down. Also my husband is a bit of a sucker and takes in people’s broken computers.  It is cool to be able to help some people we love but we also get some mega cool stuff in barter sometimes.  This week he has had two computers that he has been working on so when he has been home I have been putting the kids to bed alone.

After the kids go to bed on either Friday or Saturday nights we usually go to what I refer to as the “man cave”, which is our finished basement room that is filled with computers, servers, computer parts, gaming consoles, and a desk for me that I rarely use except for Friday nights, we order takeout food, and watch a movie or something together. We make this time for each other to chat and just hang out together weekly and for some reason it gets canceled we both get really irritated.  Both of my kids were conceived on date night.

So this evening my husband walks in from work and can see  that I am cooking dinner for the kids and I am a bit frazzled.  As I cook we discuss the run down of what is going on this weekend and I tell him I am working again on Saturday so I want to get the laundry done tonight.  He replied,” No you don’t. ” I start to fight with him and say no way I have to get stuff done.  He then states.  I will feed the kids, clean up, and put them to bed.  I want you to go and take a long hot unrushed shower,  get your laptop, go downstairs alone and blog, and drink a beer.  I will join you when I get the kids to bed.  I almost melted right there on the spot.

This is why I think I have been with him for almost 16 years.   I love that man.

Then and now

This afternoon I took the kids to the pool to swim and meet the Easter Bunny.   We are far from religious in this house but enjoy Easter as a spring holiday.  The program was cute.  The kids swam and the Easter Bunny (a hot lifeguard in a bunny suit) came and chatted with the kids and had photos taken.  It was nice because it wasn’t a super sold out event but it was crowded enough to be fun without being overwhelming.

Watching the Easter Bunny and my kids innocent excited faces had me thinking of a rock and roll Easter story.  My band did alot of touring in the 90’s.  One tour we started in Baltimore on Good Friday.  It turned out to be a very fun show with a twisted Easter theme.  One of the bands we played with that night, the lead singer dressed in a huge Easter bunny costume.  The costume had the flap in the butt.  Under the costume the guy was naked with the flap open for all to see his butt and balls. I never saw the guy’s face but I was very familiar with his nether regions.  To this day even when my kids faces are full of innocence and delight I cannot help but see this giant Easter Bunny’s butt in my minds eye.  I can’t help but laugh about it still.